Do YOU do any of these? If so, then consider yourself served... But to be honest, I think we all are guilty of a few in our time driving.


General Driving

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.

When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.

If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.

Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.

Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.

Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.

While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.

If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.

Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.

Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.

Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways.

Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.

If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror.

When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.

When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.

When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.

If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child .

If you are a part-time volunteer at a local fire department and have one of those blue "ooh-look-at-me-I'm-important" flashing lights on your car, use it whenever you go shopping or to a restaurant.

When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.

After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.

Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.

If you legally posses a gun and your state permits unconcealed carrying, drive with it on your dashboard so that anyone you cut off will have second thoughts about "flipping you the bird."

If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.

After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.

If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.

If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.

When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.



If you are approaching your highway exit and there is a car in front of you, get into the adjacent left lane, accelerate to pass him, then quickly make a sharp right turn in front of the other car, and directly into the exit.

If you pass your exit on the highway, stop and backup.

When approaching a toll plaza, cut off as many drivers as possible to get into the shortest line. Then wait until it's your turn to pay before you start to look for your change and toll ticket.

Never go fast enough to pass a police car; no matter how slow it is going.

When at a toll booth, always ask for directions, even if you know where you are going.

Stay in the left lane with your cruise control set at 50 mph. Avoid touching the accelerator pedal to force faster moving traffic to have no choice but to pass on the right.

When driving a motorcycle on the highway, tuck your head down below your shoulders so that you can't see and propel yourself at 600 mph.

If you are driving a truck on the highway and you stop at a rest area, park horizontally across 5 spots that are labeled "CARS ONLY".


Bad Weather

If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH.

When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.

When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.

If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.

When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars.

When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.

Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain, if you don't like the squeaking noise they make.


Turn Signals 101

Signal only when you feel like it.

Signal only after you change lanes.

Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

When driving straight, make sure that at least one signal is blinking at all times.

When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.


Automotive Maintenance Tips
Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building.
When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and 
rev the engine.  
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it 
into the car behind you.  
When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam bulb. Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit. 
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening. 
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.

Basic Traffic Signs and their meanings

 Don't Stop. Pull out in front of oncoming traffic.  

  Accelerate quickly without looking. Merge into fast moving traffic very slowly.  


Drive at 45 or less.

Road is going to turn, use turn signals

  School area. When vehicles in front of you yield, pass them.  

  Wait until a vehicle is coming and make a turn when the light is red.  

Drive fast!

Drive incredibly slow.

  Come to a complete stop. Try to figure out if you really want to go right.  

  Slow moving vehicle. Pull into the adjacent lane as the slow vehicle and drive at the same speed.  

  Park your car no less then 3 feet from the curb. While getting out, swing the door open as wide as you can.

  As long as everyone else has to stop, why should you?

Back Seat Driving

  Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!"  

  Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan.  

  Constantly remind the driver of road conditions.  

  When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green.  

  Remember: If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will.  

  When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you
pass the intersection.

When riding with other passengers, quickly jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!" Then, tell everyone you'll sit in the backduring the return trip. But, have no intention of doing so.

Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped.

Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!"

As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car.



When looking in the rear-view mirror and observing the car behind you changing lanes, quickly jump into the same lane, staying in front of him.

If the vehicle in front of you signals to change lanes, quickly jump into the lane he wants to be in and punch the accelerator. The object of this is to screw the other driver from being able to change lanes.

If you can't find an opportunity to switch lanes, stop in your lane and wait for one.

If you catch another driver in the middle of attempting to pass you, accelerate so that you keep him/her in the oncoming traffic lane as long as possible. When he gives up and gets back behind you, slow down.

When changing lanes, take approximately 2 miles to completely move your car from one lane to the next.

When driving a large vehicle or truck and switching lanes, don't bother to look before you do it. If anyone is in the way, they'll move.


Going Shopping

Even though you purchased one of those 4-wheel drive sport/utility vehicles because you might one day "drive" up a mountain, slow down drastically as you approach speed bumps.

When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too.

If you have handicap plates, always take a handicap parking spot. EVEN if the handicap person in your family is not with you.

When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Park your large 8-cylinder "gas guzzler" vehicle in one and a half spots that are labeled "Subcompact Cars Only'.

When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.


Rules for Accidents

Regardless of how minor the accident is, always pretend you are suffering from an injured neck and back.

Blame all the old dings and dents in your car on the accident which just occurred.

Even if you were 110% at fault for the accident, tell the cop at the accident scene that the other guy wasn't paying attention and he hit you.

Right after any accident, be as vulgar and abusive as possible to the other driver.

If at all possible, leave the scene after an accident. If someone catches up to you, play dumb.

Before you speak to the insurance agent about an accident, go home and find some "witnesses" who'll say they were in the car with you.

In an effort to save a squirrel in the road, slam on the brakes and swerve into oncoming traffic to kill an entire family.

If you accidentally hit a parked car, leave a note on the windshield stating that there are witnesses who think you are leaving your name and phone number.

When you see an accident on the side of the road and the police are directing traffic, ignore the cop's directions and slow down to make sure that you see everything there is to see. Even if it turns out to be nothing more than a poor slob changing a flat tire.




When approaching a green traffic light, slow down, wait for it to turn yellow, and come to a complete stop. Then just as it turns red, drive though and leave behind all the cars in back of you.

When making a left turn onto a multi-lane road, turn directly into the right-most lane. This way you cut off the vehicles attempting to make a right from the opposite direction.

When driving in bumper-to-bumper city traffic, make sure that you are dead center in the middle of the intersection when the light turns red, creating a gridlock situation.

When a red light turns green, wait a few minutes before moving so that you can limit the number of cars that make it through before the light turns red again.

When stopped at stop sign, wait until every car within 6,000 miles passes before proceeding, regardless of how long you have to wait.

When you are the first car at a red light, always challenge the sportier cars in the adjacent lanes to see who can be the first to leave the line when the light turns green.

Use the time at red lights to do other things such as look at the map, read the newspaper, look through your glove compartment, comb your hair, etc. Then pay no attention to the light which turned green 2 minutes ago.

When stopped at a red light or stop sign, always stop past the stop line so that buses and trucks, who have the green light, do NOT have enough space to make their turn. Then wave your arms and yell at the truck/bus driver because someone else is stopped behind you and you have no place to go.

Use your horn to honk at the vehicle in front of you if it does not move within 2 microseconds after the light turns green.

When driving through a traffic light that just turned yellow, press the brake pedal slightly to keep the brake lights on. That way the driver behind you thinks your going to stop and loses his chance to go through also.

When stopped at a traffic light, always block shopping center entrances and exits, driveways, and other streets.

Cut through gas stations at intersections to avoid waiting for a red light.